Becoming a Resident is not as easy as you might think. Living in new state, obviously doesn't qualify you as a Resident, because then every student would become a Resident as soon as they show up on campus. No, there is a lot more to it than that.

The University looks at Various Factors including, but not limited to: your driver's license, your marital status, your age, your voter registration, your employmet, your dependent status on parents' Federal Income Tax, and most importantly, your residence for the previous 12-month period.

What it all boils down to, as best as we can tell, is that it is a crapshoot. You have to jump through all the University's hoops, land on your feet, hold the pose without wavering (think here of those plucky 4'-9" gymnast girls that "stick-it" on their landing) and then see what scores the University's judges come up with.

To me the most worrisome detail is that it is the University itself, not some independent Board, that will determine if and when they grant Resident Status to a previously Out-of-State kid. So the same group that needs your tuition dollars to operate their university get to decide if you pay more or less for your class tuition. But, there's not much that we can do about that. If my son lives in-state, owns property, pays property taxes, and has a job in town then I am hoping that the preponderance of evidence will show that he has actually moved to their state. We can't claim him as a dependent on our taxes anymore. I think we can still carry him on family insurance through our employers. That's an important one to us. Because he likes bicycle races.

So, the Main Point, which has now taken three posts to actually arrive at, is that we have been looking at real estate in said College-town and are trying to set things up so that he can make a down payment and buy someplace to live for this coming school year. Twelve months later, he would be able to apply for In-State status, and we'll see what happens.

By my guesstimate the whole scheme could make as much as a $50,000 difference to his finances when his four-year undergraduate education is over. But he has to find a decent place he wants to buy, persuade a roommate to rent from him, figure out how to cook some food (he EATS a lot!), acquire furniture, and be willing to live in-town next summer working a summer job. If all those factors fall into place?

I might not be a TV Dad.

This topic is about my wildly engineered scheme to have my youngest graduate from college without being thousands of dollars in debt. I feel like a TV Dad in one of those episodes that center around the Get-Rich-Quick-Scheme. Every show that lasts more than three seasons has one of these episodes. It usually comes right after the We-Just-Found-Out-That-We-Aren't-Really-Married show. And right before the Sit-Around-Reminiscing-So-We-Can-Make-A-Whole-Show-Out-of-Funny-Stuff-That-Already-Happened.

The Get-Rich-Quick episode always turns out badly. And the wife always knows it right from the beginning. (Yeah, right! If she's so smart, how come she married him in the first place?)

It's happening again.

As soon as my brain activates the Remembering Bad Television cells, all the other brain cells go dormant. Maybe this happens to TV-writers too.

OK, I poured myself another coffee, and I am returning to TODAY'S TOPIC:

In the town where my son goes to college the real estate prices are remarkably low. It is a great college-town, by the way. In fact, if you get the current issue of Men's Journal (Best Places To Live issue, an annual topic of theirs) it happens to be listed as their Number One college town in America. I think this means that their magazine has been publishing for twenty-some years, because I am guessing that they used Malibu, California (Pepperdine University) the very first year. But still. it's a nice town.

With real estate prices sooo low that right away you think, Why are we paying thousands of dollars per semester for a cramped, dated dorm room without air-conditioning, when there is a three-bedroom townhouse, brand-new construction, ten blocks from campus priced at $89,900?

Wouldn't it be possible for him to put his summer savings into a down payment, get a couple of roommates to pay the monthly payments, and actually come out ahead three years from now when it's time to graduate and move away? And figure out how to pay for grad school?

Then, my mind instantly leaped (it's very agile, especially for a mind carrying around so many bad television memories) to that Golden Goal shining off in the distance: In-State Tuition! Because this year we paid Out-of-State Tuition. What is the difference, you ask? Well . . . ever seen a before-and-after shot of Jared, the Subway weightloss guy? In-state tuition is Jared in the AFTER shot, all sleek and attractive. Even wearing Dockers, quite remarkable for a college kid. By the way, the actual Subway where Jared realized his incredible turnaround is located on campus in same college-town of which I am writing.

However, that BEFORE shot? The one that makes him look like he IS the college dorm? OK, that's Out-of-State tuition, all bloated and impossible to do anything with. And I realized that maybe buying property, paying real estate taxes, and residing in-state could turn my son into a real citizen.

Not so quick. Next topic: what it takes to BECOME a real citizen.

It must be obvious to frequent readers how thoughtful and responsive I am to all those around me. So: I am sure it comes as no surprise to find out that when my youngest son needs help financing his college education I am scheming, . . . I mean helping him, . . . in that area.

I have become a TV Dad.

The TV Dad, of course,is one of the most useless creatures on the face of the earth. This has been a slow slide over the years. Beaver's Dad (in the 50s) was a wise and generous pipe-smoking sort. Andy Taylor (in the 60s) was a sheriff and able to raise Opie on his own, with just a little help from Aunt Bea to cook and clean (very important, as it was illegal for males to cook or clean house on TV until the year 1974; I think it was that Watergate thing).

By the 70s we had Mike Brady. He was sort of wise. But not wise enough to figure out that he wasn't the star of his own show. (On the other hand, he did have that secret life going on in which he was a police captain to P.I. Mannix at another show on the same network. In fact, at one time he was a regular on a third show as well. I think he was an attorney on one of the rotating series that had lawyers, doctors and something else, theologians maybe. Hey, this was the 70s, I can't remember everything!)

(On a quick reread I see that the sentence above implies certain 70s-ish behavior on my part. Not true. I did NOT sit with TV Dinners on a tray and watch television constantly. I just have a pretty good memory. Which also means that I did not indulge in all the other 70s-ish misbehavior either. Let's move on.)

When did I lose my grip on the topic of this blog entry??

By the 80s we had the totally flabbergasted Dad. Bill Cosby, of course, was the archetype. Things swirled around him, and he just tried to keep up. By the 90s my species had dis-evolved into Homer Simpson and Dan on the Rosanne show. A darn good actor, but he couldn't do anything much right. It was the era of the dysfunctional family. Eventually we got Ray Romano. Sure, Everybody Loves Raymond, but I don't think he even knows his kids' names. I know I don't. You could go a whole season and never have them appear on an episode.

Oh, yeah. I skipped Full House with Bob Saget. He wasn't a bad dad on the show. But then, they turned into the Olsen twins! Also best buddy Uncle Joey (Dave Coulier) was supposedly the subject of Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know." So obviously some things went wildly wrong.

Now even I am lost in this topic. It could be the mental image of the twins watching as Uncle Joey and Alannis creep up those attic steps, . . . but it does explain so much.

I promise to return with the real news about Flatscreen Me.

Spring is in the air. Enjoy!

And to eveybody who has a Mom:

CALL YOUR MOTHER!

1. Youngest is home

2. With bicycles in our living room

3. One is a track bike

4. No brakes

5. For racing on indoor banked tracks

6. Which there is one in Northbrook

7. Where the Heidens used to also race years ago

8. Erik Heiden was famously Olympic champion of speedskating

9. (Also a bike racer in summer to maintain leg strength)

10. The other bike is a road bike

11. With brakes

12. Also lying around our living room: various spare tires, helmets, tools

13.And some stuff that just makes you wonder

14. Like folded up training rollers

15. Then of course CLOTHES

16. College students have a lot of clothes

17. Most of them just lie around in heaps

18. Like the floor is really good for heap storage

19. When we were packing the car on Fridayto come home

20. It was pouring rain so we wisely threw the heaps into large plastic garbage bags

21. To keep things dry

22. So very symbolic

23. To a Writer

24.Also a crate of books

25. On the way up the stairs at the residence hall I passed a Dad and daughter

26. He looked harried, so I asked "Almost done?"

27. And he says, "Just a couple more trips"

28. And I teased, "Probably books. A lot of books, right?"

29. He says, "I haven't seen many books!"

30. She gives him the withering daughter-glance

31. And intones, "I sold them all, Dad!"

32. So that explains it.

33. We finished packing in the rain then headed home

34. Stopping at a McDonalds for a late lunch

35. I got a double cheeseburger ($1 menu)

36. He got a Big Mac, a Chicken McGrill, and a Flurry

37. Total bill $10.63

38. But that's how he eats:

39. A lot

40. He weighs about 160 lb.

41. But he's "active"

42. He and (new) girlfriend have an understanding

43. For the summer

44. They put their relationship on PAUSE

45. I wasn't familiar that most girls have that setting

46. Because I have always experienced FAST FORWARD

47. And a lot of REWIND

48. With (every so often) PLAY

49. But the technology changes a lot, so, maybe . . .

50. But it also explains why he talked on the way home

51. To (old) girlfriend

52. Who only lives about ten blocks from us

53. Meanwhile (also in the rain)

54. We looked at real estate in the college town

55. Because it may be reasonable to buy a house

56. Or more likely condo townhouse

57. And have a couple of roommates

58. By the end of summer he would have enough college savings for a down payment

59. And prices (and taxes) there are remarkably reasonable

60. And that would cut his expenses a lot

61. If he could cook

62. Because there will be the small matter of

63. The food